hey, dirty, baby i got your money: round deux

Jon Stewart cracks me up. He's got a helluva team on point this year. Elections, golden. If you thought he would run out of material when Bush was out of office, here comes a financial meltdown. This segment is Dennis Miller-esque, minus the thesaurus-laden foaming at the mouth. Enjoy!

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hey, dirty, baby i got your money...

Don't you worry.

Well, ODB is resting in peace while the world of finance is collapsing. I can't read two articles that have the same opinion on this meltdown. The fact remains that my retirement accounts have less money than I've contributed. The conventional wisdom of exposing yourself to more risk when you're young to build the nest egg for when you're old failed me. This is to say that perhaps when I'm old and ought-to-be retired, I'll still be up at the SMART Board cloning and grouping and highlighting and Googling for third graders. I ain't ever going to be able to retire.

Now that's a scary thought.

teachers' pay

i got this email years ago. i used to think that it was hilarious and sad and pointedly cynical. now, it probably needs adjustment.

Teachers are paid too much!
I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay teachers babysitting wages. In the end, that's all they really are - glorified babysitters. Obviously, kids aren't learning anything from them.

That's right. Instead of paying such outrageous taxes to keep teachers living in style, I'd give them $3.00 an hour. And, I'm only going to pay them for 5 hours, not for all that luxury "planning time." So, that would equate to $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their children. Even if you have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private daycare.

Now, how many children do they teach a day - maybe 20? So that's $15.00 x 20 kids = $300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not about to pay them for all that vacation time! So that's $300 a day x 180 days = $54,000.

To be fair, there are some good teachers out there who have lots of experience, a solid record and a maybe a master's degree. Maybe we could agree to pay them minimum wage. We can round that off to about $6.00 an hour x 5 hours x 20 children. So that's $6.00 x 5 x 20, which comes to $600 a day. $600 x 180 days.

Wait a minute! That's $108,000 -- there's something wrong here!

so, now, let's adjust it to the new minimum wage rates. $6.55/hour x 5 hours = $32.75 per day, per kid. 20 kids is a generously low estimate; in today's classroom and economy, that's likely to go up by 3 kids next year. that's $753.25 per day, per teacher. yearly salary, $135,585. when the minimum wage adjusts in july, the uptick will be a shade north of $150K.

sounds good to me!

c'mon, pump!

when i got my truck way back in the day, gas was about $0.91 a gallon. that made a fill up a shade less than fifteen bones. pretty cheap by today's standards...

until today! as i was filling up today, i found myself cheering the pump on, "c'mon; stop, stop! ok, now....stop!"

and when it did, my wallet danced a jig in my pocket. $19.99! first time i could pay for a tank of gas with andrew jackson for years. six years actually. i looked it up, and did a little math.

on another i'm-trying-to-reduce-my-carbon-footprint note, my monthly gas bill is about a third of what it was in february. this whole carpooling thing is working out well!

the great gas experiment

"i can't remember the last time i rode in your truck," she says tonight. i've tried my damnedest to save gas this month. it's been much easier with the addition of a bike to my arsenal of driving avoidance tools. i can manage my barely a half-mile ride to visit my better half. i've been taking it with me on the metro on my ventures into the city. quite often, i've been riding my bike back from the city, but not into it. sure, it's probably because i have to make it to an appointment, but no need to make it back quickly. six miles and change back most days, including today's trek from the white house.

when i got back from florida, i put a half-tank of gas in my truck. since that fateful july 1st, i've driven 144.2 miles. had i not gone climbing in maryland or driven out to reston to move a tv and a grill to arlington, that number would be much lower. the curse of a pickup truck! let's see how long i can stretch it out. perhaps make this half-tank my last half fill-up before i get keys to a new ride?

yes, this was intentional. thirty bucks in gas is far less than what i seemingly must spend during the school year. sixty bucks in metro fares is far more than i spend in a month. i guess reducing my footprint is still pretty expensive. i haven't gotten to the point of walking to the grocery store yet, but if i ever buy one of those little carts, i might just do it. i just buy too many groceries to consider it. which reminds me, i'm still hungry.

$55.07

that's how much a tank of 87 octane cost me at seven this morning. hadn't earned a cent yet for the day, and i was deep in the hole. lately, i've only been putting in a half-tank at a time. somehow, it lasts for a week; yet when i fill 'er up, it doesn't last two weeks. could someone please explain that to me?!

next year, there are two huge gas-saving changes in habit that i didn't have to do a damn thing for. one, she's moving to south arlington. a mile or less from my place. that'll save a 20 mile round trip to spend time with her. that should cut down on both of our consumptive habits, and much less painful than a breakup! two, a co-worker is moving to south arlington also. different direction than she, but co-worker wants to carpool. i may be able to kick this nasty petroleum habit after all!

attempt three to save gas is continually in the works. craigslist is befuddling me with timing issues. i've been trying for a few weeks to replace my stolen bike, which in a twist of dramatic irony, i bet was sold to the highest bidder. got any tips on getting what i want from craigslist? anyone?