the onion, climber edition

Gym Rat Climbs Despite Splitting Hangover Headache

Local plastic puller Ben dragged his sorry ass to the climbing gym this afternoon, despite having a splitting headache from drinking too many delicious beers. He made this decision to go to the gym after discussing it with fellow gym rat Jason at Rocket Bar last night. In lieu of actually going somewhere outside to climb, they deferred to the rock gym for today's session.

"I mean, Claudiu set all those new problems. There's that nasty yellow V4," reasoned Jason. "The problems are only going to be around for a month. Rocks will always be there."

Upon arriving at the gym, Ben was horrified to discover a birthday party going on. His headache worsened with every knee-high anklebiter shrieking to hear the echo.

Failing miserably at warming up, Ben got a drink of water and managed to dribble half of it down his shirt. He then proceeded to collapse onto the nearest crashpad to "rest his eyes." He awoke with a start and drool on his cheek minutes later to try again. The cycle repeated with each epic fail on mind-numbingly easy climbs. During the longest of these rests, a fellow climber drew a chalk outline around him, mocking his hungover state.

With concern behind his Grizzly Adams beard, local climbing hippie Rainbow shook the unconscious Ben, "Hey, man. Are you alright?" Ben awoke to a combination of Rainbow's 10 year-old La Sportiva Mythos fungus and the smell of a dirtbag climber that hadn't showered in a week. The overwhelming odor caused him to dry heave the remnants of his lunch into the paper-towel filled trash can.

Wiping the potato chips and marshmallows out of his facial hair, "I didn't even drink that much. Maybe four or five pints. I've tried everything to make the pain go away. Bloody Mary, mimosa, beer, Advil. That used to do the trick in college," quipped the once-frat boy on his way out of the gym to sleep it off on his Ikea futon, "Man, it's hell getting old!"