all my exes live in texas

[disclaimer: this stream of thoughts was not brought on by any of my exes. i swear.]

a few weeks ago, i got a text from a friend. "[insert ex's names] just proposed to [ex's new squeeze]. why do i care?" i tried to make her feel better, but i'm not so sure if i did. the short conversation came back to life in my brain when i happened to run into [ex's new squeeze] at christmas mass. she's someone that i went to middle school, high school, and college with, but it's been more than a few years since we'd spoken.

so the rambling in my brain began anew. why do we care so much about our exes' love lives? is it that sense of lost hope, even though the feelings for that person have long since faded? i went through my brain last night as i struggled to fall asleep.

i was talking to my favorite brunette about this last night, relaying the story of [friend with the ex]. we came up with a few theories. first and foremost, we are genuinely happy that they've found love anew, albeit with a twinge of regret because of our extinguished hope for it to be us. however, our happiness for that ex isn't free. it comes with conditions. that regret grows into other emotions when we know the new flame, either because it's someone he/she knew while dating us or a mutual friend of ours. another condition is when it's the next one. becoming the last one sometimes hurts, but it balances out when we stop looking into the past.

by staying in our present and looking towards the future, our past can no longer haunt us inexplicably. being happy with ourselves makes hearing about exes' love successes heavy on the good, light on the bad. that wave of romantic nostalgia is fleeting. there's a reason it didn't work out, and besides, you've gotta love the one you're with. if you're any good at this dating game, you get closer and closer to your target with each missed shot. consider each new flame as an upgrade of the snuffed ones.

as leda puts it, "your ex already had a shot. it didn't work out. no sense in worrying about it."

security in relationships

i'm aiming for a little discussion with this post. i want to know what you think of this all-too-common scenario that plays out with opposite sex friends.

as billy crystal's harry burns famously said, "men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way...no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her...the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story." when both agree that something might be there and dating is attempted, sometimes it's amazing and lasts. sometimes it's a disaster, both parties agree, and the friendship remains after a date or a month.

hang on. i'm getting to my point!

after moving on, why do the new beaus have a problem with the resumed friendship? leda thinks (and i agree most of the time) that an ex is the last person that a current should be concerned about. they tried, it didn't work, they think highly of one another, and if it's possible, they have a normal friendship. why the concern for lingering feelings? or the sense that the ex is some sort of threat?

i can easily see the issue with a long relationship. there's a better chance of lingering feelings in that case. although i'd say that in most cases, if the person is dating once more, aren't they gone? i'd define the shorter one as one where the friendship was and is a longer amount of time than they dated. no worries, right? she (or he) is with you now. you win, ex lost.

if you're one that takes issue with such friendships of your beau, why? if not, why not? i'm severely curious about this, as it seems to be such a cause of dating strife. so much so that i wonder if it's not better to just leave out that detail when describing your old friends to a new flame...

(i know people read my scribblings, but rarely do i expect much comment. please do!)

just to see you smile

this morning on my way to work, it was commercials on all my normal stations, i was 2 blocks from work, and i hit scan. for the first time in a while, my radio stopped on a country station.

and i left it there. on my way home, a tim mcgraw song came on and my mind started rambling. not because of the actual song, but another. i'm not sure why either.

yesterday I knew just what you wanted
when you came walkin' up to me with him.
so I told you that I was happy for you,
and given the chance, I'd lie again.
just to see you smile...

an ex and i used to joke about this song, saying we'd do this for each other if it ever went south. notice, i did say ex, so it obviously did. i always took the lyrics of this song to be from some lovesick fool who can't get over a lost love. though i never saw myself in this mold, i have been in those shoes. where my heartbreak would stay hidden when she finds new love and i unluckily get to meet him.

thankfully, i've never had to lie about it. when it would've been a lie, it never came up. now that it wouldn't be a lie, the same is true. as best i know, all the women in my past are giddily happy with guys they've either married or madly in love with.

...and i couldn't be happier for them. no lie!

moving on

I wrote this a while ago. I won't say when. Don't want to give away who I'm talking about. Respect. It was cathartic at the time. Yeah, it's dark and depressing, but it's also incredibly introspective. What say you?

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Why is it that no matter what you say or do, certain things creep back into your mind? After months or years of trying to get over feelings of love or hurt or sadness, a little event brings them all flooding back.

You hear from a long-ago ex. She’s getting married next month. That’s sweet. Short relationship between the two of you, no contact for years. Some sense of longing for what she has, if only because you only remember the fond memories or insignificant feelings of hope for that with her lingering from way back when.

You see your first love for the first time in a year. Rarely speaking in the interim, you both want to catch up. Last time, you’re dating someone, she’s not. This time, the tables are turned. At least that’s what you anticipate. She plays it off, they’re just “seeing” each other, she’s really “not that into him.” Here it is, a year later, and you know they’re still together. The same shell game. The evasive responses. Though the distance between you is great, you still occasionally hope for fate to intervene and bring you back together.

You manage to maintain a friendship with another. Finally convinced of your true intentions for the friendship, she begins dating again. The time you speak and spend with her dwindles. Though it could never work, you wonder if there will ever be another chance to be with her. If this new guy she’s seeing on the sly is going to be the One. The One you hoped to be, strongly months ago; only occasionally now and with much less urgency. You wonder why the word friend somehow rings hollow coming from her, now that she’s openly moving on, though she hasn’t broached the subject with you just yet. I guess I’m a hypocrite in a way because I pretended to move on, and killed a friendship along the way. Keeping secrets from friends is tricky when that friend is also an ex. An ex that already got pissed about a date you went on a week after you broke up because you truly weren’t over it.

It’s strange, even the ones you won’t ever speak to again for fear of inducing psychosis creep back randomly. How lately you wonder how she’s doing. If the guy she’s supposedly seeing has tamed her insanity, or if he just manages to overlook it. Hell, her insanity may abate just because he wants to be the One for her.

Literally ran into one a month ago. Married, pregnant, happy. Unlike when I left her apartment, red-faced and crying. Her, not me. Me, weight off my chest, cell phone out, wanting to get a beer with a friend. Glad it was over. Nothing like finally ending a 3 week fling that was mostly spent concocting a way out. Maybe that’s what these exes felt like with me. When they move on, and I stop calling, I stop hoping. I guess I’ll never know. They certainly won’t bring it up, and doubt they’d have much to say if I did. One thing’s for certain, friendships might end.